I think I'll procrastinate now.

Dear Cindy,

In the promise of each new semester, I always hope one thing will be different. I tell myself this time I’ll finally stop procrastinating. Experiences of a bleary-eyed and delirious shell of my former self, shrouded in layers of fleece blankets and nervously willing the clock’s hands to tick backwards, will be distant memories. I’ll never torture myself with the cacophonous horrors of the library closing bell. However beautiful a sunrise may be, I cross my fingers that I’ll never witness another while hunched over my desk, wiping away drool. And why suffer the long-lasting emotional trauma of facing a 36 item to-do list with only 7 hours and 14 minutes and 32 seconds (I’d be keeping track, obviously) until the inevitable doom of a deadline come too soon?

Procrastinate this year? Me?

Despite my best intentions, procrastination conquers all.

This semester, I have a new approach. 

I’ll embrace procrastination. 

I’ll celebrate its ability to intimately acquaint myself with the serenity of being the only one awake. I’ll savour the opportunity it provides to happily munch my way through 2... 3... 5... 7 o’clock in the morning! I’ll relish the thrill of printing an essay 17 minutes before it’s due. 

Extensive personal research has proven that the rewards of writing a paper single-spaced first to make the double-spaced result more climactic induce exponentially more intense euphoria when performed in a single night.

Deadlines are cruel and unforgiving: Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” principle applies. Mounting pressure and looming deadlines force creative genius and inspiration to avoid being selected out. I’m certain my greatest work has actually been accomplished in the least available time.

If procrastination is positively correlated with greater academic success, here are my five favourite techniques for boosting my GPA:

1. Instead of taking notes in lecture, it’s far better for personal growth and improvement to read every headline on every newspapers’ website you’ve ever heard of. Why learn course material now when you can cram the entire course in 48 sleepless hours before your final? I’ve never tried this, but perhaps this semester I’ll prevent my prof’s voice from distracting me  from keeping up with current events by bringing earplugs!

2. Friends are essential to survival, but no one will be your friend unless you maintain a basic level of personal hygiene. When I sit down at my desk, I think clipping my nails and plucking my eyebrows is always a much more urgent imperative than studying.

3. Open and close your fridge door. Check your freezer. Nothing exciting? Open your fridge door again. It’s important to repeat this procedure every 12 minutes or so. You never know what exciting foods may magically appear!

4. Instead of downloading lectures slides, go on TED TALKS! It offers streaming of hundreds of talks on extraordinarily complex ideas concisely presented in the most simple and understandable yet simultaneously innovative and engaging ways possible. Speakers include Al Gore, Jane Goodall, and Bill Clinton! You’ll be far smarter without really putting in any time or effort.

5. Finally, why deprive yourself of sleep? That’s what finals are for! Maximize beauty rest and save that all-nighter for tomorrow!

Successful completion of steps 1 through 5!

I hope these sure-fire tips for success make your transition back to classes a little gentler!

I miss you already.

Love,

Jade